He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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