i just had sex bonerless
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
