I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
