he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
