im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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