that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
