we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
