I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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