Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
