I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
