Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
