now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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