Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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