I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
