I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
