And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
