she woke up with a sticky ear
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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