Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
wow bdsm is so cute
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
