hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
