Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize