Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
