If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
