i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
