You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
