sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
