Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
