I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
home. puking in laundry basket.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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