Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
