i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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