Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
