nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
