Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
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I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
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You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize