Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
