i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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