I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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