I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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