finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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