I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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