I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
