Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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