I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
