He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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