So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
