it's too hot outside to masturbate.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
