Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
