I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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