Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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