The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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