i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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