Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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