the condom got lost in my hair
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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