I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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