It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
