Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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