I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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